Inventory Management · Reserve Division

We're all out
of fucks.

That's not a mood, it's our current stock level. Whether you've got none left to give or you're just here to rent one for the night, this is the emptiest warehouse on the playa — and we're proud of it.

◆ Inventory update Correction: two are now accounted for. We supplied neither. See the sightings →

Browse The Catalog ↓ Rent A Truck Instead

Live Fuck Reserves

Updating in real time
Loading stock level…
0
Fucks in stock
2
Accounted for*
4,281
Fucks requested
TBD
Restock date
*Neither was supplied by us. One mailed in unsolicited, one recovered in the wild by a holder who didn't know he had it. See confirmed sightings.
The catalog

Six fucks. One in stock.

For eight years this catalog was entirely out of stock. That is no longer strictly true, though we can't take credit for it — the public restocked us without being asked.

Top seller

Zero Fucks

Our most popular listing by a wide margin. Comes standard, requires no assembly, and somehow still manages to sell out.

$0.00
Used

Partial Fuck

Slightly given, mostly withdrawn at the last second. Some visible wear from being almost offered, twice.

$0.00
Rare — sighting confirmed

Full Fuck, Unboxed

A collector's item, long considered mythical by staff. Status upgraded from "rumored" after a vintage unit surfaced on an electronics bench, weathered and unaccounted for.

$0.00View Sighting →
Wholesale

Bulk Fuck Pallet

For events requiring industrial-scale not caring. Ships on a truck we also don't have. See: entire rest of this site.

$0.00
◆ In stock — qty 1

Emergency Fuck

Break glass in case you desperately need to locate a fuck to give and cannot. Update: after eight years of zero inventory, we have exactly one. Hand-cut, externally sourced, currently in circulation.

$0.00View Unit →
Returned

Return-to-Sender Fuck

Previously issued, immediately regretted, mailed straight back. We didn't restock it. We just left it by the door.

$0.00
Incident reports

Confirmed sightings

For eight years this company had nothing to report. Within minutes of publishing that fact, the reports started coming in. Two units are now accounted for. Neither of them came from us.

A typewritten letter reading 'We heard the devastating news that there are zero fucks left to give' beside a small laser-cut wooden piece spelling the word FUCK ◆ Verified Authentic
Dispatch 001 · Unsolicited inbound · Origin: unknown
"We heard the devastating news that there are zero fucks left to give. We couldn't stand by and watch this crisis unfold. So we have taken matters into our hands and dispatched an emergency fuck to you. Use it wisely. Pass it around when necessary."
— Enclosed notice, sender anonymous
Contents
One (1) emergency fuck, wooden, laser-cut
Condition
Unused. Still sealed. Genuinely moving.
Chain of custody
Received. Logged. Currently in circulation.
Company response
Inventory updated for the first time in eight years
Standing directive, per sender
Use it wisely. Pass it around when necessary.
A small wooden FUCK resting on the front panel of a Siglent function generator on a crowded electronics bench, circled in red ◆ Vintage — Recovered
Dispatch 002 · Field sighting · Location: an electronics bench
"I just realized I've been in possession of one of these vintage wood fucks for quite some time."
— Unprompted field report, received minutes after publication
Classification
Vintage stock, prior issue, unknown year
Discovered
Front panel of a function generator, between Mod and Sweep
Condition
Weathered. Clearly been through something.
Time in custody
"Quite some time" — holder unaware it was inventory
Significance
Confirms units were in circulation before this ledger existed
Analyst note
They were out there the whole time.
Chain of custody

The dispatch log

Every fuck that makes it into the wild gets logged here. This ledger currently has one entry. We expect that to change.

IDItemMethodStatus
001 Emergency FuckWooden, laser-cut, sealed Postal mail, unsolicited In circulation
002 Vintage FuckPrior issue, weathered, year unknown Recovered in the wild Long-term custody
003 Awaiting next dispatchThis row is a dare. The last one lasted minutes. — Unfilled
Ledger maintained manually and updated whenever something shows up. If you dispatch a fuck, or discover one you've been unknowingly holding, it gets a number.
Order status

Track your fuck

Already requested one? Enter any tracking number below. We'll tell you exactly where it is.

STATUS: NEVER LEFT THE WAREHOUSE
Your fuck has not shipped, because it does not exist and never did. Please enjoy this fully accurate status update.
Customer feedback

What people are saying

★★★★★

"I ordered a fuck to give and received absolutely nothing. Exactly as advertised. Would order again."

— Anonymous, D Lot
★★★★★

"Customer service told me my fuck was 'somewhere on the playa, probably.' Honestly refreshing honesty."

— Anonymous, Center Camp
★★★★☆

"Docked one star because I still, somehow, have several fucks left to give. Not their fault. Mine."

— Anonymous, 3:00 & Esplanade
Fine print

Frequently asked

Do you really have zero fucks in stock?

We did, for eight years, confirmed by independent third-party audit — a guy named Steve who counted twice, just to be sure. Then someone mailed us one. Steve has recounted. It's one.

I think I might already have one. What do I do?

Check your workbench. Dispatch 002 spent years on a function generator before its owner realized it was inventory. If you find one, report it and it gets a number in the ledger.

Can I dispatch a fuck to you?

Apparently yes, and we can't stop you — someone already did it without asking. Anything that arrives gets logged, numbered, and added to the chain of custody above.

Can I return a fuck I no longer want?

Yes. We'll add it right back to the pile of zero. No restocking fee, mostly because there's nothing to restock.

Is this related to the truck rental?

Same company, different department. Fewer trucks over there, fewer fucks over here — we specialize in scarcity.

What if I need a fuck urgently?

That's exactly what the Emergency Fuck listing is for, and for the first time in company history it is not empty. The standing directive from the sender is to pass it around when necessary, so find us and make your case.